ahhhh!! real monsters

Literature is the window into the human soul. To say that the tragedy of Gatsby no longer relates to society is a lie befitting a politician. Culture changes, but human nature does not. We still fall in love, we still hate, there are still murders, we still have a drive to live, we still become jealous, we still have hope. No, human nature remains the same no matter the year. When you open a book, you hold in your hands a window, you need only open it.  

"Well, when one looks over the synopsis of their life, that would be the desired effect"
*awkward silence*





For some reason, my responses to stupid statements create awkward silences.

I just watched this movie.

It's about an elderly lady who meets an extremely kind young man and he becomes her adopted grandson. She helps him change into the person sho believes he can be. He listens quietly and learns. In the end she dies, but it's okay because it's her time. She's comfortable with dying.

 

I'm a sucker for movies like this. They make me happy.

 

Ludovic Mayo.

Today felt like a new beginning. It felt like change. It felt like hope.

I received a notebook for Christmas. It is a Jack Skellington notebook, the paper on the inside matches it's beautiful cover.

I wrote questions in that notebook today. I wrote my own little story of hope. I think this week has been, more than anything, a beacon of hope into the life I hope to one day have. Where I can accomplish everything I set out to do, regardless of a tattered past.

In the first entry into that notebook I spoke of broken hearts. I spoke of the love I am surrounded by on a daily basis. I spoke of how living to complete the day, and not the year,  always makes me happier. I spoke of how tomorrow could wait until I got there. I spoke of healing.

I have plans and dreams. I am going to realize those dreams. and today I made a choice, those dreams may or may not include medical school, but however they play out, I will not regret the choices I made. I am through worrying about it. And that, to me, sounds like hope.

so, with such high spirits and such optimism, I must bid adieu.

name drop of the day: Sumreeta Mathai

Song of the day: The Beautiful Letdown-Switchfoot

-Lillypad  

I read it in 6 hours. I ignored my best friend for a good four of those hours. (Hiding my book was not a life lesson Karissa, it was cruel and unusual punishment.)

 

But anyway. Go out and read it. It's by Stephen Chbosky.

 

I just felt like I related to Charlie in a lot of ways. He's just himself, because he doesn't really know any other way to be. And the truth is, he may be a little bit odd and he may have some problems, but he’s okay with that.

 

“…we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. Maybe if my grandfather didn’t hit her, my mom wouldn’t be so quiet. And maybe she wouldn’t have married my dad because he doesn’t hit. And maybe I would never have been born. But I’m very glad to have been born, so I don’t know what to say about it all especially since my mom seems happy with her life, and I don’t know what else there is to want.”

 

 

There was another part that just makes sense to me. It’s not a good thing, and at the same time it’s not a bad thing. It just is.

 

“Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve”

 

This reminds me of girls in a way. When all girls were very little they thought they would marry princes and be in love forever. And they thought this way because no one ever told them otherwise. They believe they deserve “prince charming”. But when girls grow up people start to tell them that they are not good enough. They are told that they are not tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or interesting enough to marry “prince charming”. And so they accept abuse, they settle for sadness, simply because they think they don’t  deserve anything better. I find this extremely sad. And yet, there is no one to blame, and truthfully, there never was to begin with. Because that’s the way the world is. We accept the love we think we deserve. 

The movie is phenomenal. And the lessons we learn, part truth, part utter crap.

Dakin, the average boy. He's intelligent, in fact, far too intelligent for his own good. He changes, and he questions the rules. He's a typical Holden Caulfield, only he is British, and learning in a classroom(Well, that, and he actually does well in school).

Words. They can both help and harm. And the impact they have on you is only that which you allow it. And, it's more than the words, per say. It's the way we put those words into use that brings importance into life. Words are all fun and good, but you have to let them come to life, to have breathe in history. And they are not to be taken seriously, because they won't come to life if you do not allow them to. So, I can belt as much Shakespeare as I want to(how cliche that I use Shakespeare as an example, but honestly just roll with me here.) but the words of William Beckett,(well let's be realistic here with the amount of impact it's going to have on actual pop culture(not just the kids that listen to the good music) let's go with Gerard Way) are going to have much more impact than those of one of the greatest writers to ever grace this planet. Why you ask?- They are more silly, but they concede point. So, Bye Bye Blackbird teaches us to be happy about unhappy things, in the same way as "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost can. Just in a way that's a bit superfluous really(you see my point(I'll let you think that one out yourself)).

Okay, I've confused myself enough for the night, and I need to go do a breathing treatment. good night. Go read that poem by the way, the one by Robert Frost, tell me whether or not he is going to commit suicide or not. I think he does. The horse told me.

1. Name something that made you frown today?
"It's larigitis, and you have to stay out of the pool for a week"

2. What were you doing at 5:00 a.m.?
attempting to sleep.

3. What were you doing one hour ago?
listening to my father scream at my obnoxious grandfather that I dubbed "The Old Man" at the delicate age of 9. lovely.

4. What is something you will never forget?
How much I need God. Work Crew, Jen, my trip to China.

5. What was the last thing you said aloud?
"No, I'll take it when I go to bed."

6. How many different things did you drink today?
water.....lemonade. so two then

7. What was the last thing you bought?
I dunno. a canvas belt.

8.color of your room?
white with exactly one blue wall.....

9. What is the weather going to be like tomorrow?
rainy.

10. Vanilla or chocolate?
sherbert.

11.What are you excited about?
graduating high school.

12. Are you random?
More than I would like to be.

13. Do you laugh a lot?
I will live for a lot longer.

14. Do you have plans tomorrow?
I will be at home being miserable with this retched cough, and complaining to the only things that will listen, my tissues.

15. Are you ticklish?
very. So don't try it, because I also tend to cry when I laugh.

16. Are you typically a jealous person?
Not really.

17. Who's the 1st person on your received calls list?
mom. One of the only people that really understands me.

18. What's the 5th text in your inbox?
boo.

19. Do you chew on straws?
Only because I get bored!

20. What is the next concert you're going to?
I have no idea.

21. What's the biggest disappointment to you lately?
myself. I dissapoint myself the most.

22. What were you doing at midnight last night?
attempting to sleep.

23. Is success in your future?
I hope so. But to be honest, I will either dissapoint my parents because I'm not the doctor they hoped for. Or I will be completely miserable and die at the age of 55.......................And people wonder why I'm afraid to grow up.

24. Do you have a nickname?
Lilly, Lili(yes, it is in fact different), lillypad, chubby, ugly, slow, stupid, ignorant, smartass. The list goes on and on..

25. Are you a heavy sleeper?
Oh yes. and I tend to say embarassing things as well.

26. When was the last time you used a skateboard?
when I was a little kid.

27. When was the last time you said "I love you" to a parent?
A couple hours ago.

28. Was today a good day?
I'm a little bit of a downer today, but then again, I'm ill.

29. What are you listening to?
"decoy" Paramore.

31. Are you upset about life right now?
Not really.

32. What kind of music you like best?
The kind that is good and from the heart. The kind that doesn't care if you like it or not. The kind that makes you sing at the top of your lungs and sing praise. The kind  that makes you want to dance like an idiot with everyone watching. That kind of music.

33. How do you like to spend the holidays?
eating the fantastic food my parents make with my family, laughing. <33

34. Do you currently have feelings for someone?
No. That's original.

35. What is the situation between you and that person?
what person?

36. How do you feel about Valentine's Day?
I honestly don't care.

37. How is your hair?
Obnoxiously short.

38. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
yes. My great gradmother still takes a run in the morning.

39. Where do you keep your money?
In a box behind my bed.

40. What was the weather like on your b-day?
Nice and sunny.The perks of being born on August 20th.

41. Would you kiss with anyone on your top eight?
On myspace? no.

42. What instant messaging system do you use?
AIM.

43. Do you own a stereo that costs more than 100 dollars?
No, my brother took it without permission, and now claims that it is his.

44. Have you ever hiked up a mountain?
Yes. Angeles(Chimney Rock) and moutains in China

45. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
My dad.

46. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you didn't even do?
most likely. It's high school.

47. Do you miss someone?
yeah.

48. When is the last time you laughed?
this afternoon. It was just a chuckle though, I can't really laugh due to the fact that it hurts.

50. How are you feeling?
Sick. slightly obvious, no?

51. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends?
Mateo. On a dare. In front of his brother, and my sister. Yeah, that was akward.

52. Where did you go to today?
Kaiser. aka, the hospital.

just walking down the halls. I stopped at my locker to get some stuff for my next class when this girl(who I see alot, but rarely ever talk to) comes up to me and says:

"You look like the female version of Gabe Saporta."

I didn't know whether to be insulted or happy. I mean, it's not like I wake up every morning going, "I want to look just like the lead singer of Cobra Starship today!". I wake up and think, "Sleeppp", and I rarely ever look at myself in the mirror except to brush my teeth.


well, anyway. I thanked her, and made a mental note never buy a pair of Nike's lest she ever tell me that again. Cheers.

-Lillypad

I'm perfectly screwed up enough without it, thanks.

I tend to think about what people think about me a lot. And I'm the first person to admit that I don't believe in myself. It's not that I'm complacent with it, I'm just an open to the fact that I'm working on it.

I separate myself. It's not because I'm trying to be anti-social, I'm just scared. I'm scared that I will be called an idiot, that I'll make a joke and that it will be stupid. I think I just want people to like me, but mostly I just want them accept me. To call me a friend. I have this complex, I call it the "sister" complex. You see, my sister has always been able to make friends, to make people laugh, to talk, to in general be the girl you wanted to hang out with, and I was forever just her little sister. So, as little kids, she made friends and stopped caring about school, and I read until I killed my eyes. She got on every sports team imaginable, got really good, and I was always left lagging behind. So, if I make a friend, I don't want to let them get too close to me, because eventually they are going to have to meet my sister, and they will no longer be my friend, they will be Ingrid's friend.

So, I separate myself. I study, I read books, I try to get better than her at sports, I keep myself busy. The truth is, every friend I've ever had likes my sister better than they like me. So why even bother, I'm just going to get hurt again. I'm just going to end up being her little sister.

And what's worse, she knows it too. She does it on purpose. Whenever I go out(to a show, to a movie, just to get food) she HAS to come. She CANNOT stay home. But, when I ask to go with her, "psshh, shutup you nerd, no one wants you there". Why even try. I'm just a nerd. I will only ever be a nerd. No one wants to hang out with me because I read more than I talk. When I open my mouth, I'm annoying. I really wonder WHY you are still reading this. Or WHY I bothered to type it out, no one cares. "Shut up you emo nerd, go screw yourself."

I might just take you up on that one day.

There is really nothing that went on today.
Nothing that sparked much of any kind of thought besides that fact that Mellisa (Karissa's big sister) comes home from China today. She should be off the plane by now. She was gone for three months, will  be home for 2 weeks, then go on a two week vacation to China on the 26th of this month, and then go back to China for another 3 months in March.

That's a lot of 13 hour plane rides.

My ear is getting better, and I will not be playing in the tournament this weekend. Which only leaves one thing to do. Go to Disneyland.

Best place on the face of the planet to read a book. Most people don't know that because they get lost in the hustle and bustle of running from ride to ride. But, really, if you sit down in the French quarter square, pull out a book, and read while listening to someone play jazz in the background, it is amazingly relaxing. After three of four hours, I get up, grab a pineapple ice cream float(amazing pineapple ice cream, piled over pineapple juice, with a cherry and and umbrella on top) and proceed to tramp around the park with my friends.  We continue the tradition of crazy runs from ride to ride, but only after I have had my 3 or 4 hours. It just wouldn't be the same without it.

I am extremely blessed with the luxury of being able to go to Disneyland when I feel like. Lots of people who live 15 miles from it have only been there once in their lives, and some have never been there at all.

This weekend I'm taking pictures there. Of little girls in princess dresses, and boys wielding  pirate swords. My time to do so is slowly slipping away as I sink into adulthood. Only a few short years ago was I just barely skimming my feet into the waters of adulthood, trying to use larger words to make the foot sink in deeper. Now, I'm neck deep in the water, and not wanting to dunk my head under.

I think that's why I enjoy Disneyland, it allows me to keep my head above water for just one day longer. And at the end of the night, when the fireworks  go off, and the lights explode off everyones faces, I know taking the plunge won't be so bad. I can always come back and read my book, just like I did when I was a little girl. I think it will be great.

and the best thing about Disneyland this weekend-------------------it will finally rain.

-lilly

No journal today, just a survey.
1. Are you younger than 19?
oh course not, I'm 92.

2. Have you ever kissed someone thats name starts with a T?
I don't think so. (code for, no)

3. How many bathing suits do you own?
7. I like to have a variety. Plus I wear them out rather quickly. water polo, go figure.

4. Do you like green?
lovely color it is.

5. Do you like someone?
lame sauce question. I won't bother ansewering it.

6. Are you in a relationship?
another lame sauce.

8. Ever eaten soap?
When I was a child my mother washed my mouth out with it several times(I was a rebel)

9. What song are you listening to right now?
Switchfoot - Oh! Gravity

10. Is there a place you would like to visit?
Conneticuit.

13. Have you ever fallen into a mud puddle?
I've swam in one. My brother and I made it in the rain when he was 5 and I was 7. It was oodles of fun until we got sick.

14. Do you like winter?
I love winter with a passion

15. Does your screen name have numbers in it?
never.

16. Are you in a band?
not at the moment, no. Just an orchestra

19. How long have you had your myspace for?
since the summer before 10th grade.

20. Favorite beverage?
I'm a fan of a good old fashioned Long Island Iced tea.

22. If you could own a monkey, would you?
um, HECK YES!

23. Do you own anything from American Eagle?
I do not there myself. I shop for the young one there. He tends to like their pants. and he really likes it when I pay for them.

24. Do you listen to rap?
upon the ocassion that I am forced to.

25. Did you graduate this year?
Next year! I'm so happy I could giggle.

26. Favorite disney movie?
Cinderella.

27. What was your first AIM sn?
Imafakepirate..  how gross is that, right?!

28. Do you like fruit?
It tends to be amazing. I've never met one I didn't enjoy.

29. Do you have a Nextel phone?
no.

30. Have you ever given a random person your number?
haha, random people have asked for it.

I ATE NUMBERS 31&32

33. What color(s) is your room?
white. one baby blue wall from when it was my brothers nursery

34. Is there a calendar in your room?
yes.

35. Do you regret anything?
regret is normal. I'm not normal. But yes, I do regret certain bad moves.

37. What are you excited for?
China

38. Are you an artist?
not really. I try really hard though. I've never had formal classes.

39. Do you have an addiction?
yeah. I'm a little bit addicted to hour long prayer sessions

41. Favorite swear word?
I don't like it when people curse. Nice Words.

42. Mooned someone?
no.

44. What did you do today?
church, homework.

45. Thoughts on the opposite sex?
they make more sense than girls

46. How many pillows do you sleep with?
3

47. Do you like s'mores?
with reeses peanut butter cups!

49. Do you like hugs and kisses?
who doesn't?

50. Do you act gangster?
Sup playa(circa Alvin and the Chipmunks)

51. How many piercings do you have?
two

52. Do you cook and are you any good?
I am very good in the kitchen.

53. What did you do last night?
I watched August Rush.

54. What mood are you in right now?
Sing.

55. Where's your cell phone?
the nonexistent one?

56) Who do you miss right now?
I miss Danj.

57) What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
juice. (the orange kind)

58) What does your last incoming text message say?
lame sauce.

59) The last song you listened to?
Cruel Intentions-The Varsity

60) If you hated someone and got put in charge of their funeral music, what would it be?
You Can't Always Get What You Want-The Rolling Stones
Painted Black-The Rolling Stones
Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd
stick with the classics. It doesn't matter how much I didn't like them

61) Where is your best friend right now?
in her house. most likely eating some form of junk food.

62) What are your plans for this weekend?
it's almost over.

63) Pick a scar on your body. Where'd it come from?
left arm, above my elbow. When I was 11, my brother bit me. He clamped down and shook his head like a dog. I needed stitches. yet, I still love the boy.

My parents are damn halarious. How they have managed to stay married for so long is beyond me, but they aren't even half way done through their mariage(as quoted by them). So, I assume it will be much longer.
So, my dad is pretty much always in his wheelchair, and my momma has hand problems, and some disease that makes her body ache all the time. But, sewing soothes it.

Typical Sunday, my siblings are out(having a life). I am at home practicing my music, my dad is watching tv, and my mom is sewing purses in the garage(I'll post a picture, she sells them for $40, I'm not biased when I say they are slightly amazing).

Well, anyway. My dad constantly calls my mom to look at something that's on tv. I mean all the time. He calls me down stairs(I might add that this all goes on in very rapid spanish) and tells me to call my mother. This  doesn't bother me, it bugs my mom though. I laugh, go into the garage, tell her "Papi is calling you", she groans, comes in muttering "they don't ever let me be"(spanish), then my dad tells her to look at Gautemala lose the baseball game(spanish). She says "that's what you called me for, I'm busy Jesus!"(spanish). He laughs, I laugh with him(naturally at my mother). She departs to the seclusion that is my cramped garage. In short, never let a Cuban man marry a Gautemalan woman and expect not to have problems that come about in very rapid and loud spanish. I have to go finish practicing the violin, plus my dad is calling my mom again for the 12th time tonight. This is how I live.


-Lilly(cannon in D has never sounded worse.)

At the end of the day, I am a classic J.D. (circa scrubs).

I'm always going to daydream, I'm always going to be good at english, and I'm always going to make up weird names for my best friend(none of which are ever going to stick).

As you may assume, Scrubs is on. And I am completely enveloped in it.

I had to decide between a cookie or pie.
I chose orange juice.

It seemed better obvious