Lillypadx's Journals

some randomness

Literature is the window into the human soul. To say that the tragedy of Gatsby no longer relates to society is a lie befitting a politician. Culture changes, but human nature does not. We still fall in love, we still hate, there are still murders, we still have a drive to live, we still become jealous, we still have hope. No, human nature remains the same no matter the year. When you open a book, you hold in your hands a window, you need only open it.

"You've changed alot over the past year"

"Well, when one looks over the synopsis of their life, that would be the desired effect"
*awkward silence*

For some reason, my responses to stupid statements create awkward silences.

Mrs.Palfrey at the Claremont

I just watched this movie.

It's about an elderly lady who meets an extremely kind young man and he becomes her adopted grandson. She helps him change into the person sho believes he can be. He listens quietly and learns. In the end she dies, but it's okay because it's her time. She's comfortable with dying.

I'm a sucker for movies like this. They make me happy.

Ludovic Mayo.

New Beginnings.

Today felt like a new beginning. It felt like change. It felt like hope.

I received a notebook for Christmas. It is a Jack Skellington notebook, the paper on the inside matches it's beautiful cover.

I wrote questions in that notebook today. I wrote my own little story of hope. I think this week has been, more than anything, a beacon of hope into the life I hope to one day have. Where I can accomplish everything I set out to do, regardless of a tattered past.

In the first entry into that notebook I spoke of broken hearts. I spoke of the love I am surrounded by on a daily basis. I spoke of how living to complete the day, and not the year, always makes me happier. I spoke of how tomorrow could wait until I got there. I spoke of healing.

I have plans and dreams. I am going to realize those dreams. and today I made a choice, those dreams may or may not include medical school, but however they play out, I will not regret the choices I made. I am through worrying about it. And that, to me, sounds like hope.

so, with such high spirits and such optimism, I must bid adieu.

name drop of the day: Sumreeta Mathai

Song of the day: The Beautiful Letdown-Switchfoot

-Lillypad

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I read it in 6 hours. I ignored my best friend for a good four of those hours. (Hiding my book was not a life lesson Karissa, it was cruel and unusual punishment.)

But anyway. Go out and read it. It's by Stephen Chbosky.

I just felt like I related to Charlie in a lot of ways. He's just himself, because he doesn't really know any other way to be. And the truth is, he may be a little bit odd and he may have some problems, but heâ�™s okay with that.

â�œâ�¦we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didnâ�™t do or didnâ�™t know. I donâ�™t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. Maybe if my grandfather didnâ�™t hit her, my mom wouldnâ�™t be so quiet. And maybe she wouldnâ�™t have married my dad because he doesnâ�™t hit. And maybe I would never have been born. But Iâ�™m very glad to have been born, so I donâ�™t know what to say about it all especially since my mom seems happy with her life, and I donâ�™t know what else there is to want.â�

There was another part that just makes sense to me. Itâ�™s not a good thing, and at the same time itâ�™s not a bad thing. It just is.

â�œCharlie, we accept the love we think we deserveâ�

This reminds me of girls in a way. When all girls were very little they thought they would marry princes and be in love forever. And they thought this way because no one ever told them otherwise. They believe they deserve â�œprince charmingâ�. But when girls grow up people start to tell them that they are not good enough. They are told that they are not tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or interesting enough to marry â�œprince charmingâ�. And so they accept abuse, they settle for sadness, simply because they think they donâ�™t deserve anything better. I find this extremely sad. And yet, there is no one to blame, and truthfully, there never was to begin with. Because thatâ�™s the way the world is. We accept the love we think we deserve.

The History Boys

The movie is phenomenal. And the lessons we learn, part truth, part utter crap.

Dakin, the average boy. He's intelligent, in fact, far too intelligent for his own good. He changes, and he questions the rules. He's a typical Holden Caulfield, only he is British, and learning in a classroom(Well, that, and he actually does well in school).

Words. They can both help and harm. And the impact they have on you is only that which you allow it. And, it's more than the words, per say. It's the way we put those words into use that brings importance into life. Words are all fun and good, but you have to let them come to life, to have breathe in history. And they are not to be taken seriously, because they won't come to life if you do not allow them to. So, I can belt as much Shakespeare as I want to(how cliche that I use Shakespeare as an example, but honestly just roll with me here.) but the words of William Beckett,(well let's be realistic here with the amount of impact it's going to have on actual pop culture(not just the kids that listen to the good music) let's go with Gerard Way) are going to have much more impact than those of one of the greatest writers to ever grace this planet. Why you ask?- They are more silly, but they concede point. So, Bye Bye Blackbird teaches us to be happy about unhappy things, in the same way as "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost can. Just in a way that's a bit superfluous really(you see my point(I'll let you think that one out yourself)).

Okay, I've confused myself enough for the night, and I need to go do a breathing treatment. good night. Go read that poem by the way, the one by Robert Frost, tell me whether or not he is going to commit suicide or not. I think he does. The horse told me.

I'm a little bit odd today.

1. Name something that made you frown today?
"It's larigitis, and you have to stay out of the pool for a week"

2. What were you doing at 5:00 a.m.?
attempting to sleep.

3. What were you doing one hour ago?
listening to my father scream at my obnoxious grandfather that I dubbed "The Old Man" at the delicate age of 9. lovely.

4. What is something you will never forget?
How much I need God. Work Crew, Jen, my trip to China.

5. What was the last thing you said aloud?
"No, I'll take it when I go to bed."

6. How many different things did you drink today?
water.....lemonade. so two then

7. What was the last thing you bought?
I dunno. a canvas belt.

8.color of your room?
white with exactly one blue wall.....

9. What is the weather going to be like tomorrow?
rainy.

10. Vanilla or chocolate?
sherbert.

11.What are you excited about?
graduating high school.

12. Are you random?
More than I would like to be.

13. Do you laugh a lot?
I will live for a lot longer.

14. Do you have plans tomorrow?
I will be at home being miserable with this retched cough, and complaining to the only things that will listen, my tissues.

15. Are you ticklish?
very. So don't try it, because I also tend to cry when I laugh.

16. Are you typically a jealous person?
Not really.

17. Who's the 1st person on your received calls list?
mom. One of the only people that really understands me.

18. What's the 5th text in your inbox?
boo.

19. Do you chew on straws?
Only because I get bored!

20. What is the next concert you're going to?
I have no idea.

21. What's the biggest disappointment to you lately?
myself. I dissapoint myself the most.

22. What were you doing at midnight last night?
attempting to sleep.

23. Is success in your future?
I hope so. But to be honest, I will either dissapoint my parents because I'm not the doctor they hoped for. Or I will be completely miserable and die at the age of 55.......................And people wonder why I'm afraid to grow up.

24. Do you have a nickname?
Lilly, Lili(yes, it is in fact different), lillypad, chubby, ugly, slow, stupid, ignorant, smartass. The list goes on and on..

25. Are you a heavy sleeper?
Oh yes. and I tend to say embarassing things as well.

26. When was the last time you used a skateboard?
when I was a little kid.

27. When was the last time you said "I love you" to a parent?
A couple hours ago.

28. Was today a good day?
I'm a little bit of a downer today, but then again, I'm ill.

29. What are you listening to?
"decoy" Paramore.

31. Are you upset about life right now?
Not really.

32. What kind of music you like best?
The kind that is good and from the heart. The kind that doesn't care if you like it or not. The kind that makes you sing at the top of your lungs and sing praise. The kind that makes you want to dance like an idiot with everyone watching. That kind of music.

33. How do you like to spend the holidays?
eating the fantastic food my parents make with my family, laughing. <33

34. Do you currently have feelings for someone?
No. That's original.

35. What is the situation between you and that person?
what person?

36. How do you feel about Valentine's Day?
I honestly don't care.

37. How is your hair?
Obnoxiously short.

38. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
yes. My great gradmother still takes a run in the morning.

39. Where do you keep your money?
In a box behind my bed.

40. What was the weather like on your b-day?
Nice and sunny.The perks of being born on August 20th.

41. Would you kiss with anyone on your top eight?
On myspace? no.

42. What instant messaging system do you use?
AIM.

43. Do you own a stereo that costs more than 100 dollars?
No, my brother took it without permission, and now claims that it is his.

44. Have you ever hiked up a mountain?
Yes. Angeles(Chimney Rock) and moutains in China

45. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
My dad.

46. Is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you didn't even do?
most likely. It's high school.

47. Do you miss someone?
yeah.

48. When is the last time you laughed?
this afternoon. It was just a chuckle though, I can't really laugh due to the fact that it hurts.

50. How are you feeling?
Sick. slightly obvious, no?

51. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends?
Mateo. On a dare. In front of his brother, and my sister. Yeah, that was akward.

52. Where did you go to today?
Kaiser. aka, the hospital.

so today I was

just walking down the halls. I stopped at my locker to get some stuff for my next class when this girl(who I see alot, but rarely ever talk to) comes up to me and says:

"You look like the female version of Gabe Saporta."

I didn't know whether to be insulted or happy. I mean, it's not like I wake up every morning going, "I want to look just like the lead singer of Cobra Starship today!". I wake up and think, "Sleeppp", and I rarely ever look at myself in the mirror except to brush my teeth.

well, anyway. I thanked her, and made a mental note never buy a pair of Nike's lest she ever tell me that again. Cheers.

-Lillypad

liquor doesn't exist in my world.

I'm perfectly screwed up enough without it, thanks.

I tend to think about what people think about me a lot. And I'm the first person to admit that I don't believe in myself. It's not that I'm complacent with it, I'm just an open to the fact that I'm working on it.

I separate myself. It's not because I'm trying to be anti-social, I'm just scared. I'm scared that I will be called an idiot, that I'll make a joke and that it will be stupid. I think I just want people to like me, but mostly I just want them accept me. To call me a friend. I have this complex, I call it the "sister" complex. You see, my sister has always been able to make friends, to make people laugh, to talk, to in general be the girl you wanted to hang out with, and I was forever just her little sister. So, as little kids, she made friends and stopped caring about school, and I read until I killed my eyes. She got on every sports team imaginable, got really good, and I was always left lagging behind. So, if I make a friend, I don't want to let them get too close to me, because eventually they are going to have to meet my sister, and they will no longer be my friend, they will be Ingrid's friend.

So, I separate myself. I study, I read books, I try to get better than her at sports, I keep myself busy. The truth is, every friend I've ever had likes my sister better than they like me. So why even bother, I'm just going to get hurt again. I'm just going to end up being her little sister.

And what's worse, she knows it too. She does it on purpose. Whenever I go out(to a show, to a movie, just to get food) she HAS to come. She CANNOT stay home. But, when I ask to go with her, "psshh, shutup you nerd, no one wants you there". Why even try. I'm just a nerd. I will only ever be a nerd. No one wants to hang out with me because I read more than I talk. When I open my mouth, I'm annoying. I really wonder WHY you are still reading this. Or WHY I bothered to type it out, no one cares. "Shut up you emo nerd, go screw yourself."

I might just take you up on that one day.

In the end, it will only be a place, but it will be my place.

There is really nothing that went on today.
Nothing that sparked much of any kind of thought besides that fact that Mellisa (Karissa's big sister) comes home from China today. She should be off the plane by now. She was gone for three months, will be home for 2 weeks, then go on a two week vacation to China on the 26th of this month, and then go back to China for another 3 months in March.

That's a lot of 13 hour plane rides.

My ear is getting better, and I will not be playing in the tournament this weekend. Which only leaves one thing to do. Go to Disneyland.

Best place on the face of the planet to read a book. Most people don't know that because they get lost in the hustle and bustle of running from ride to ride. But, really, if you sit down in the French quarter square, pull out a book, and read while listening to someone play jazz in the background, it is amazingly relaxing. After three of four hours, I get up, grab a pineapple ice cream float(amazing pineapple ice cream, piled over pineapple juice, with a cherry and and umbrella on top) and proceed to tramp around the park with my friends. We continue the tradition of crazy runs from ride to ride, but only after I have had my 3 or 4 hours. It just wouldn't be the same without it.

I am extremely blessed with the luxury of being able to go to Disneyland when I feel like. Lots of people who live 15 miles from it have only been there once in their lives, and some have never been there at all.

This weekend I'm taking pictures there. Of little girls in princess dresses, and boys wielding pirate swords. My time to do so is slowly slipping away as I sink into adulthood. Only a few short years ago was I just barely skimming my feet into the waters of adulthood, trying to use larger words to make the foot sink in deeper. Now, I'm neck deep in the water, and not wanting to dunk my head under.

I think that's why I enjoy Disneyland, it allows me to keep my head above water for just one day longer. And at the end of the night, when the fireworks go off, and the lights explode off everyones faces, I know taking the plunge won't be so bad. I can always come back and read my book, just like I did when I was a little girl. I think it will be great.

and the best thing about Disneyland this weekend-------------------it will finally rain.

-lilly